Meaningful Gathering Art
The Challenge of Conflict Resolution: Connecting People Meaningfully Against All Odds
Growing up, I faced a unique challenge that ultimately led me to the field of conflict resolution. Every other Friday, I would leave my mother and stepfather’s home, an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist, agnostic, vegetarian, new-agey, sometimes Democratic household, and head 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother’s home. There, I would enter a white, Evangelical Christian, conservative, Republican, twice-a-week-churchgoing, meat-eating family.
It doesn’t take a shrink to explain how I ended up in the field of conflict resolution. Whether I was easing dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad, the challenge was always the same. Despite all odds, and with integrity, how do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience?
As a facilitator, I’ve witnessed extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms. However, I would leave those rooms and attend my everyday gatherings, like all of you, and many would fall flat. There was a meaning gap between these high-intensity conflict groups and my everyday gatherings.
As I delved into this issue, I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection, not obsessing with the canapés. I interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts, such as an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer, a rabbi, and a camp counselor, to better understand what creates meaningful and even transformative gatherings.
And through those conversations, I learned about the new rules of gathering. The first step in creating more meaningful everyday gatherings is to hug a specific, disputable purpose. By doing so, you create an opportunity to actually address our needs, rather than having a dull and repetitive gathering.
The next step is to grow good controversy by creating the conditions for it. This may mean asking guests to share stories or experiences that differ from their own, rather than avoiding the topics of sex, politics, or religion. Good controversy can actually help foster human connection and break impasses, leading to more productive conversations.
Finally, creating pop-up rules for specific gatherings can help us connect meaningfully with others without having to be the same. Pop-up rules can harmonize behavior and gather across difference, providing a temporary alternative world for meaningful connection.
In conclusion, how we gather matters because how we gather is how we live. By hugging these new rules of gathering, we can connect meaningfully with others, despite our differences, and create more productive and transformative gatherings.
How Everyday Gatherings Fall Flat: The Meaning Gap Between High-Intensity Conflict Groups and Everyday Gatherings
Have you ever attended a gathering or party that just fell flat? You know the kind: the food was fine, the decorations were nice, but there was just something missing. According to my research on conflict resolution, this phenomenon is due to a meaning gap between high-intensity conflict groups and everyday gatherings.
As a conflict resolution facilitator, I’ve witnessed the powerful and transformative connections that can occur in high-intensity conflict groups, whether it’s in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad. However, when it comes to everyday gatherings, like weddings, conferences, or back-to-school picnics, the energy and connection can often fall flat.
One reason for this is that everyday hosts tend to focus on getting the things right - the food, the decorations, the timing - and leave the interaction between people largely to chance. In contrast, as a facilitator, I’m taught to strip everything away and focus solely on the interaction between people.
But it’s not just a matter of the host’s focus. High-intensity conflict groups often have a specific, disputable purpose that drives the gathering, whereas everyday gatherings tend to lack that same purpose. Without a clear purpose, the gathering can feel directionless and unfulfilling.
So, how can we bridge this meaning gap and create more meaningful everyday gatherings? One solution is to hug a specific, disputable purpose for the gathering. By doing so, we create an opportunity to address our needs and connect with others on a deeper level.
Another solution is to grow good controversy by creating the conditions for it. This may mean asking guests to share stories or experiences that differ from their own, rather than avoiding the topics of sex, politics, or religion. By hugging good controversy, we can foster human connection and create more productive conversations.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that how we gather matters. By hugging the principles of high-intensity conflict groups and applying them to everyday gatherings, we can create more meaningful and transformative experiences for ourselves and others.
The New Rules of Gathering: Hugging a Specific Disputable Purpose
When it comes to planning a gathering, most people start with an off-the-rack format. A birthday party means cake and candles, while a board meeting means one brown table and 12 white men (cue laughter). But assuming the purpose is obvious and skipping straight to form can lead to dull and repetitive gatherings. That’s why it’s important to hug a specific, disputable purpose for the gathering.
As a conflict resolution facilitator, I’ve seen firsthand the power of a specific purpose in high-intensity conflict groups. It provides direction and meaning to the gathering, driving participants to connect meaningfully and take risks.
But this principle doesn’t only apply to high-intensity conflict groups. Everyday gatherings can also benefit from a specific purpose. For example, an expectant mother who was dreading her baby shower paused to ask herself: what is the purpose of this gathering? What is my need at this moment? She realized that her need was to address her fears about her transition to parenthood.
So, she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that purpose. They gathered six women and addressed the mother’s fear of labor by telling stories from her life to remind her of the qualities she already carries, like bravery, wonder, faith, and surrender. They tied a bead for each quality into a necklace that she could wear in the delivery room. Then, her husband joined and they wrote new vows and family vows, committing to keep their marriage central as they transitioned to parenthood.
By hugging a specific, disputable purpose, the gathering became more than just a baby shower. It addressed the mother’s needs and fears in a meaningful way, creating a transformative experience for everyone involved.
So, the next time you’re planning a gathering, ask yourself: what is the purpose of this gathering? What is the need that I’m trying to address? By hugging a specific, disputable purpose, you can create a more meaningful and transformative experience for yourself and your guests.
Growing Good Controversy: Creating the Conditions for Meaningful Human Connection
Have you ever been told not to talk about politics, sex, or religion at the dinner table? While it may seem like a good rule to keep the peace, it actually strips away an important ingredient for meaningful human connection: heat.
In my experience as a conflict resolution facilitator, I’ve learned that good controversy can actually grow deeper connections among people. The key is to create the conditions for it.
One way to do this is to ask yourself, what is the purpose of the gathering? If growing good heat is part of it, try banning opinions for the night and asking for stories instead. Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict, but instead of opinions, ask everyone to share a story from their life and experience that nobody around the table has ever heard before. This can create a sense of belonging and understanding without burning the house down.
Another way to grow good controversy is to create a debate or cagematch scenario. This can be especially useful in a professional setting where there may be disagreements about the direction of the company. By putting people on opposing sides and having them argue for their point of view, it can help break through the impasse and lead to a resolution.
Rules can also be powerful in creating the conditions for meaningful human connection. Pop-up rules, in particular, can allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior. For example, at a team dinner where different generations are gathering and don’t share the same assumptions of phone etiquette, whoever looks at their phone first foots the bill. By setting temporary rules, it can help us gather across difference, connect, and make meaning together without having to be the same.
In the end, growing good controversy is not about winning or losing, but about creating an environment where people can truly connect and understand each other. So next time you’re at a gathering, don’t shy away from controversial topics, hug them as an opportunity for deeper human connection.
Breaking Impasses with Good Controversy: Hosting a Cagematch
As humans, we tend to shy away from controversial topics like politics, sex, or religion to maintain harmony in gatherings. However, this can strip away the core ingredient of meaning - heat and burning relevance. In order to connect meaningfully, we must create conditions for good controversy.
I once worked with an architecture firm that was at a crossroads - they had to decide whether to continue being an architecture firm or pivot and become a hot new design firm. There was real disagreement in the room, but no one was speaking up publicly, and politeness was blocking their progress.
So we hosted a cagematch. After a lunch break, all the architects came back, and we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture, the other one to represent design. We threw white towels around their necks, played Rocky music on an iPad, got each a Don King-like manager to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments, and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument of each future vision.
And then we had everybody else physically choose a side in front of their colleagues. And because they were able to actually show where they stood, they broke an impasse. Architecture won.
In order to grow good controversy, we need to choose a theme related to underlying conflict and ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience that nobody around the table has ever heard before. This gives people a way into each other without burning the house down.
Creating a Temporary Alternative World for Meaningful Connection: The Pop-Up Rules
Have you ever attended a pop-up event, such as a temporary restaurant or art gallery? These types of events have gained popularity in recent years for their unique, short-lived experiences. But what if we could apply the concept of pop-ups to creating a temporary alternative world for meaningful connection?
That’s exactly what the Pop-Up Rules aim to do. The idea behind this concept is to create a space where people can come together and connect on a deeper level, without the constraints and expectations of their everyday lives.
The Pop-Up Rules follow three main principles:
- A temporary alternative world is created, with a specific theme or purpose.
- All attendees are required to participate in the experience fully, leaving their usual selves behind.
- Connections are facilitated through intentional, thought-provoking activities and interactions.
By creating a temporary alternative world, attendees are encouraged to step out of their comfort zones and fully immerse themselves in the experience. This creates a sense of shared reality and allows for deeper connections to form.
Additionally, by requiring all attendees to participate fully, the Pop-Up Rules create a level playing field where everyone is equal and there are no pre-existing power dynamics.
Finally, intentional activities and interactions are used to facilitate connections between attendees. These activities can range from group discussions to interactive art installations to immersive performances. The goal is to create opportunities for attendees to engage with each other on a deeper level and form meaningful connections.
Overall, the Pop-Up Rules offer a unique and exciting approach to creating temporary alternative worlds for meaningful connection. Whether you attend a pop-up event or create your own, remember to hug the experience fully and be open to the connections that may come your way.
The Power of Rules: Creating Harmony Across Differences
In today’s world, people come from diverse backgrounds and hold different opinions, making it challenging to connect with one another. However, there are ways to create a harmonious gathering that hugs diversity and brings people together.
One of the most powerful tools to achieve this is by setting rules. By establishing rules, we can harmonize behavior and create a safe space for people to express their opinions freely. When everyone is aware of the expectations, it can help prevent conflicts and misunderstandings.
Rules provide structure and predictability that create a sense of safety and can reduce anxiety in people. This predictability also makes it easier for people to engage in conversations, particularly with those who hold differing views. It can enable people to share their opinions without the fear of being judged or ridiculed.
Setting rules can also help individuals to overcome unconscious biases and prejudices. When we are aware of our biases, we can work on changing our behaviors to create a more inclusive and welcoming environment.
Rules can be tailored to fit the gathering’s purpose and the people attending it. They can be simple or complex, as long as they are clear and understandable. The rules should also be enforced consistently to be effective.
Overall, the power of rules should not be underestimated. Setting rules can provide structure and predictability, create a safe space for people to express their opinions, and reduce anxiety and conflicts. By establishing rules, we can create a harmonious environment that hugs diversity and brings people together.
Why How We Gather Matters: The Importance of Being Seen and Seeing Others
The act of gathering is an essential part of human connection. We come together to celebrate, to mourn, to learn, to worship, and to play. However, how we gather matters just as much as why we gather. When we gather, we want to feel seen and valued by others. We want to be part of a community where we belong and where we feel we can be our true selves.
In today’s world, we often gather in online spaces, which can make it challenging to feel seen and heard. When we gather online, it’s easy to feel anonymous and disconnected from others. But, there are ways to create meaningful connections in virtual spaces. One of the keys is to focus on creating a sense of presence.
When we gather in person, we can see each other’s faces, body language, and facial expressions, which all contribute to creating a sense of presence. In virtual spaces, we need to be intentional about creating that sense of presence. One way to do this is by using video calls instead of just audio calls. Seeing each other’s faces can go a long way in helping us feel seen and connected.
Another important aspect of gathering is seeing others. When we gather, we want to be able to see and appreciate the diversity of the group. We want to be able to learn from each other and to understand different perspectives. When we gather in diverse groups, it can challenge our assumptions and broaden our perspectives. It can help us see the world in a new way.
In conclusion, how we gather matters. When we gather, we want to feel seen and valued by others. We want to be part of a community where we belong and where we feel we can be our true selves. By focusing on creating a sense of presence and hugging diversity, we can create meaningful connections, whether we are gathering in person or online.
Conclusion
In today’s world, it is becoming increasingly important to gather meaningfully and connect with one another. While technology has made communication easier, it has also led to a loss of meaningful human connection. The gathering experiences that we have discussed in this blog post offer alternative ways to come together and create a sense of community.
By hugging good controversy, creating specific disputable purposes, and harmonizing behavior, we can create gatherings that foster meaningful connections and allow us to engage with each other in a more authentic way. Whether it’s through pop-up rules or hosting a cagematch, these innovative gathering experiences show that there are many ways to connect with one another and create a sense of community.
The power of gathering lies not only in being seen but also in seeing others. When we gather with intention and purpose, we can create spaces that allow us to be ourselves, connect with others, and find a sense of belonging. It is up to us to create these spaces and make gathering a priority in our lives. So, let us hug the challenge of conflict resolution and grow good controversy, and in doing so, we can create the conditions for meaningful human connection.
